


It's Worth It

by LumaBoop



Series: 10 Chimes For Veterans 2015 [5]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Severe PTSD, Space Husbands, Veterans Day, Veterans Day 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:39:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5206208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumaBoop/pseuds/LumaBoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like the migraines, the Episodes are just another part of him.<br/>5th Chime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Worth It

“John!”  


The man barely looked up from his e-reader, indulged in the newest issue from Collectors Monthly. “Hnm?”  


“Have you seen my combat knife?” The sound of soft ruffling upstairs burned at John’s ears. He scrolled more.

“No, not for a while.” John called back nonchalantly.  


“John, please! Think hard.”  


“Kaidan, why do you even want it?”  


When John received no answer, that’s when he stepped to attention. He put down the e-reader in a hurry and rushed upstairs towards their bedroom, where Kaidan was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands over his ears, legs bouncing with anxiety, his whole body radiating biotics.

Another episode.

John used his inside _INSIDE_ library voice. He slowly closed the door behind him, and dimmed down the light. He approached Kaidan, kneeling down in front of the coil of a man and gently rubbed the other’s thighs.  
  
“The noise... crawling in the back of my skull...”  
  
“The Reapers are gone, Kaidan... the song is gone.”  
  
“S-so loud... can’t... like a ringing...”  
  
“Shhh... shh, hey... lay down for me, baby.”  
  
An episode with Kaidan was a combination of frantic item searching to distract from the imaginary song, then a migraine followed by the high whine like that after a flash grenade. Or so that’s how the man described it to Shepard once or twice. A side effect of being so close to multiple reapers. The song of indoctrination has, theoretically, touched many soldiers on the battlefield and only the adrenaline of the attack had deterred true inprintment of the creature’s influence on the brain. Now that this was over, many soldiers, including Kaidan, were suffering from this side effect.

After a bit of maneuvering, Kaidan’s face was buried within Shepard’s chest along with a pillow wrapped around the back of his head and over his ears. The placebo effect of the gesture made the song ‘muted’... even if it truly was not there anymore. John kissed his husband’s head and stroked his back, but kept quiet to let the Episode play itself out. 

He knew Kaidan despised this new thing about himself. He was a man who enjoyed being in control of his body. Besides his migraines, there was a sense of pride in his ability to be level-headed most of the time and also have one of the strongest biotic inserts there was and have complete mastery over it. 

However, he wasn’t 30 anymore... he was 49 and the years had not been kind to him. John knew that it ate Kaidan up inside that he had become so vulnerable as the days went on. Sometimes the man would give him a look of sadness, maybe disguised behind a smile, as if asking ‘ _why-- why are you putting up with this_ ’?

 _Why are you still with me?_   he would be thinking, and maybe one day, would actually ask.  


And Shepard would have the answer in a millisecond. Besides the love, besides his adoration, and besides his dedication to one Kaidan Alenko, John **understood**. He understood the trauma and if he wasn’t 80% cybernetics, his own mind would had felt the residual effects of potential Reaper control. He was there. And despite Horizon, Kaidan still experienced the influence and the span of the Reapers’ shadow. Probably... due to Horizon.

Two hours later, the Episode was over, and Kaidan was fast asleep, his crown of salt and pepper curls damp with sweat and mused over his relaxed brow. Shepard leaned down and kissed his parted lips before slipping away.  
  
He came back with his e-reader and loitered at the doorway for a moment. He took in Kaidan’s prone body, his sunken face, and shallow breathing. He knew that despite it all, despite their scars and their luster starting to fade, everyday with this man was worth it. Underneath the rust was a man who laughed, smiled, and reflected a surreal sense of sincerity no amount of time could diminish.


End file.
